Shot NERVs
by DeadManSeven
Summary: An amusing little parody of a day at Nerv


After much trying to get this fic kicked off well and proper, this is what I came up  
with...a fellow NGE Otaku wrote out a short piece involving a humorous take on a day at  
Nerv; this is basically an extended version of that. This is placed into script format, as  
anything written as per usual would only be, coming from me, blatant plagiarism of Andrew  
Huang and, in turn, Terry Pratchett. So, without further ado, let's get it on!  
  
  
*Shot NERVs - Derek Zischke*  
  
  
The regular scene at Nerv when nothing is happening; Ritsuko wandering around checking  
things, Maya and Makoto reading, Shigeru playing the air guitar, Gendo in a state of  
perpetual stillness. Suddenly, the warning lights go off, and everything turns red,  
flashing 'Alert' all over the place.  
  
  
Shigeru:Oh my God! We've gone into alert!  
  
Ritsuko:What's the status?  
  
Makoto:Blood type blue!  
  
Shigeru:Oh my God! It's an Angel!  
  
Maya:We're detecting an A.T. Field inside this complex!  
  
Shigeru:Oh my God! What she said!  
  
Ritsuko:Do we have visual confirmation?  
  
Gendo:A La Captain Picard On screen.  
  
  
On the large screen in Central Dogma, is shows a security camera view of...  
  
  
Ritsuko:Hey, isn't that Misato's penguin?  
  
Shigeru:Oh my God! A flightless bird!  
  
Maya:You can calm down now, all the sense of tension has been totally lost.  
  
Shigeru:Oh...er, sorry.  
  
  
Pen-Pen stares at the security camera, and a bright green flash of light emits from him  
and blows up the camera.  
  
  
Shigeru:Oh my God!  
  
Misato, who lives halfway across the city but still manages to arrive at Nerv in enough  
time to defeat any Angel (in Tokyo-3 traffic, no less), runs into the room.  
  
Misato:What did I miss?  
  
Ritsuko:Your penguin has been confirmed as an Angel, the writer attempted to be  
funny, and Shigeru said 'Oh my God' five times.  
  
Shigeru:Oh my God!  
  
Ritsuko:Make it six.  
  
Makoto and Maya take a gag from somewhere and manage to shut Shigeru up.  
  
Misato:I refuse to believe Pen-Pen is an Angel!  
  
Ritsuko:That's Shinji's line in 'Final Messenger'. Can you please focus? We need a  
way to defeat Pen-Pen and we need one fast.  
  
Misato:I could order in a huge cannon and shoot him from on top of a mountain.  
  
Ritsuko:I said fast.  
  
Misato:We could get Eva One and Two to do a dance.  
  
Ritsuko:What good would that do?  
  
Misato:It worked in...never mind. Well, what if I cooked some ramen?  
  
Ritsuko:Brilliant! Your terrible cooking is just what's needed. Maya, what do the  
Magi recommend?  
  
Maya:The Magi are unable to give data at this point in time.  
  
Ritsuko:Why?  
  
Maya:They're all playing Hearts online with Bill Gates.  
  
Ritsuko:Well, can you just give a rough estimate on how much success this operation  
will have?  
  
Maya:Approximately a zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero  
zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent chance. Give or take a zero.  
  
Ritsuko:What do you think, Misato?  
  
Misato:That's good enough for me! To the kitchens!  
  
  
A short trip and an instant-ramen-and-curry-sludge-A-La-Misato later...  
  
  
Misato, in a radiation-proof suit due to her intentionally making bad food, pushes a bowl  
of aforementioned ramen-curry-sludge towards Pen-Pen with the aid of a long stick.  
  
  
Misato:Pen-Pen...I've got some food for you...  
  
  
Pen-Pen turns around, takes one whiff of the hideous concoction lying near him, and  
faints.  
  
  
Misato:Hooray! Wait a minute, that wasn't very hard! Where's the rest of the story?  
  
  
The 'Alert' lights come back on.  
  
  
Shigeru:A La Kenny Mmmph mmph Mmmph!  
  
Maya:The Magi have apparently beaten Bill Gates, and now he's downloading  
something into the system!  
  
Ritsuko:What is it? A virus?  
  
Maya:No, worse! Windows 95!  
  
  
The Nerv computers all emit the Windows startup noise, and everyone cringes in boredom  
waiting for the startup screen to load.  
  
  
Maya:Windows is consuming all available memory!  
  
Ritsuko:Quick! Alt-F4!  
  
Maya:It's not responding! There must be a hardware error!  
  
Ritsuko:Check the System Settings!  
  
Maya:We can't! The system's locked up!  
  
Ritsuko:Control-Alt-Delete, now!  
  
  
The red 'Alert' screen is replaced with a much more ominous one.  
  
  
Makoto:Ahh! The blue screen!  
  
Shigeru:Mmmph mmph Mmmph!  
  
Gendo:Shut it off manually.  
  
Maya:But that could cause error on one or more of the drives!  
  
Gendo:Do it! I have no time to waste on an insolent operating system.  
  
  
All of the lights in Central Dogma turn off.  
  
  
Gendo:Turn it...back on.  
  
  
Everything is restarted, and the Windows Startup screen is displayed again.  
  
  
Maya:It's still here!  
  
Shigeru:Mmmph mmph Mmmph!  
  
  
  
That's that over with...  
  
-Derek Zischke  
ageless_strange@optusnet.com.au  
  
"Do you suffer from long-term memory loss? I can't remember..."  
-Chumbawhamba  



End file.
